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What Drives Men Away, And What ATTRACTS Them …

July 9, 2010

Do you ever worry that you are going to lose a good man? …You aren’t alone.

Today I wanted to talk about how such negative beliefs and doubts often lead to incredibly destructive behavior – clingy neediness that  DRIVES MEN AWAY faster than Monday Night Football.

Check out a recent question I received from a  reader about this problem, and then read on to learn WHY this happens, WHAT MEN THINK about it, and how to PREVENT it from ruining your relationship:

>>>>Question From A Reader:

About 2 months ago I met a fantastic guy – the chemistry is amazing, the strongest ever, and  there is a strong physical attraction. But I cannot stop the negative thinking that comes into my mind about everything this man does or says. If he doesn’t call for a day I think he will never call (he always does), and if he changes plans (usually with a good reason) I think he is pulling away. My thinking is making my behavior clingy and obsessive and it is taking every ounce of strength not to show how I am feeling so I don’t scare him away. These games are exhausting. All my friends tell me
to relax and enjoy, but how do you do this?

>>>MY COMMENTS:

First, thanks for your honesty and self-awareness in this question. I’m glad you asked because having this kind of repetitive negative thinking is more common that you might think.

And it almost ALWAYS drives a man away.

If not physically, then emotionally. In fact, whether you see it or not, both men  AND women have these uncertain and insecure feelings that get in their way.

So the good news is that you’re not alone. But the bad news is that lots of women who feel “helpless” in this way NEVER figure out what to do about it until it’s too late.

By then the guy has already come to that critical moment where he has seen so much of your  insecure thinking and behavior that he gets that “Eeeewwwww” feeling.

You know, that feeling where you see something that’s so unappealing to you that you literally tighten up your body, your eyes, everything, and say or think “Eeeeewwwww”.

This “Eeeeewwwww” feeling changes everything. Once a man has this “Eeeewwww” feeling with a woman, there’s little or nothing she can do to  try and bring back the passion and respect a man used to have for her. And forget about him feeling ATTRACTION.

A man’s “Eeeewwwww” is basically him feeling the OPPOSITE of attraction, where he literally  wants to get away as quickly as possible.  The truth is that THE MOST CERTAIN AND COMPLETE WAY TO DRIVE A MAN AWAY (and as far away as possible) is to become overly needy, clingy, and  suspicious. … Whether in private or in public.

I don’t just mean in what you SAY. I’m also talking about doing this just by what you FEEL.

One of the things I’ve talked about before is how once you believe something to be “true”, you tend to find proof of what it is that you believe all around you in the world.

For example, people used to believe that the world was flat… and when they did, there was proof everywhere that they found that made “sense” to them and supported their firm belief that the  world was flat.

And even when someone came along and proved  that the world was round, it took a long time for  most people to start to accept this as “reality”.

The reason that I bring this up is because it sounds to me like you’re looking for an answer to
a problem… when what you need is NOT an answer.

What you need is the right BELIEF. So instead of trying to “fix” all the things  that you think are the problem with you in your relationship, you should actually try to change what you believe and PREVENT these problems in  the first place.

I’m going to talk about how to prevent this problem first, then tell you a few things you can
do when you run into it again in the future as well.

Here are two things to keep in mind:

1) As you might already know, men aren’t often the best in the world at giving emotional support
and at nurturing. He might not recognize what’s  really going on with you, or he might not know
how to give you what you want, or it might even  be that he is afraid of how you are acting and
he doesn’t feel comfortable getting any closer  to you.

2) Men expect that if a woman likes them, then the woman should feel good when she’s around him. I know it might sound simple, or even stupid, but if a woman is constantly stressed or worried or unhappy when she’s around a man, not only does he feel like he can’t make her happy, but he’ll
want to spend LESS and LESS time around her.

Here are two ways to communicate with a man that will make him not only FEEL GOOD, but make
him want to communicate with you and be around you more:

1) Figure out how to make it so that men can see and recognize what it is that you are looking for
with them, without frustrating or confusing them even more.

2) Find out why it is that YOU are so chronically unsatisfied. Men want to be around women who make them FEEL GOOD. Telling him that he is constantly doing things WRONG just creates more ANXIETY.

Now, let’s tackle this first approach.

To figure out how to help a man, you need to recognize what it is that you are looking for
from him. So… you might have to work  on figuring this out for yourself first.

My bet is that this isn’t the first  relationship with a man where you’ve felt and  acted this way… and your need to feel reassured and approved of by others in order to feel Ok about yourself isn’t just a thing that comes up with men.

You probably do this in other subtle ways with other people in your life, too – like with your friends and your family.

In other words, what you’re doing is a pattern of communicating in ALL your relationships.

It just happens to be a higher-stakes and more emotionally intense situation when it comes to
men, dating, and relationships.

The truth is, you need to learn how to communicate in a relationship with a man in a way
that actually brings you closer together AND  gets your needs met…

You don’t want to keep “playing the games” that are pushing him further away from you.

You CAN and need to share your feelings. You  just haven’t learned HOW to share them in a way
that ACTUALLY WORKS and has positive results with  men in relationships.

And until you learn how to share your feelings, you’re never going to get away from that awful
disconnected and isolated feeling where you fear telling the man in your life how you really feel
inside.

Feeling this way is NOT a way to live in your relationship, and you know it.

Even if your relationship went on, it would be destined to blow up because you wouldn’t have
a voice and be appreciated for your feelings.

If you need to learn more about how to talk  with a man and do it in a way that he will listen
and RESPOND to, rather than withdraw from…

AND you want to learn how to understand HIM better, too…

If you’re insecure, scared, and uncertain, and you’re asking a man questions such as,

“How do you feel about me?”

Or…

“Where’s this going?”

Or…

“Are you serious about us?”

Then you’re making the kind of mistakes that are proven to make men become MORE RESISTANT to
opening up, communicating, and committing for a secure and certain relationship.

In short, you need to learn how to communicate and behave with a man in a way that makes him
feel, on a deep level, that you are the one he should be deeply committed to.

If you don’t know how to do this, then a man is very likely to NEVER want to commit and share
a real and lasting relationship with you… no matter how hard you try.

In fact, if the way you communicate with a man sends him the message that you’re “needy”
or “clingy”, you’re likely to just push him further away.

Most people could stand to spend more time working on improving the way that they communicate their thoughts and feelings.

I know personally that this is something that I’ve struggled with in the past – it’s so easy to think that people can read your mind or understand where you’re coming from  when you share with them.

But it’s not that simple to share exactly what you feel, or for others to understand it.

There are probably a few things you’re also doing that make a man feel a little strange when
he’s with you and around you (this is just a guess, as most people, men and women, have things
they could improve when it comes to communicating).

Maybe you’re acting a little too “needy”, as you said.

Maybe you’re acting too “helpless” and you’re  waiting for him to tell you that everything is  going to be ok and “save you”.

And maybe YOU are the one who isn’t “present”  in your mind when you’re with him. Your mind is
worrying about what happened in the past, or what’s going to happen in the future… and
therefore you don’t do anything that makes  things better and happen NOW.

Think about it.

Men expect women to be a kind of “emotional leader” in relationships. Women often
bring a deeper and richer emotional aspect to a man’s life than he has anywhere else.

Remember, HE’S THE MAN. He’s the one who wants to feel good by winning a woman over  and making her feel great.

And when a man sees that you feel great, then he’ll feel great, too… and EVERYTHING
ELSE will almost magically get easier.

You need to TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for your  thinking, behavior, and communication that
make you see more of his behaviors and responses that scare you and make you feel
and act even more needy and scared.

Help yourself by breaking that self-defeating and destructive cycle you are reinforcing for
yourself.

And to answer your question directly of “What can I do to relax and enjoy things?”, I’d say
that it all depends.

My favorite thing that works in my own life, and works for LOTS of women I know, is the simple
act of breathing … I want you to sit up straight, notice your posture, pull your shoulders back, relax your neck and then slowly take a long deep breath in. Keep breathing in until air fills your lungs.

Once you fill your lungs with air, pause for a second.

And now I want you to exhale slowly and deeply all the way out until all the air in your lungs
has been pushed out.

Imagine all the feelings, tension, stress, and worry from your day being pushed out of you
with the air that leaves your body. Relax your body even more as you breathe out.

Now I want you to breathe in and do this over two more times. Becoming more and more relaxed
and clear-headed each time. I’ll wait while you do it.

..

..

Ok. I know there’s no “magic answer” here,  but my point is that if you are already aware
of the emotions, feelings, and behaviors that are getting in your way, and you’re NOT DOING
anything about it… then you need to change  the way that you are DOING things… and not
just what you’re thinking.

One of the best tricks I’ve learned to make better decisions is by using the breathing you just did to give myself both the time and  the clarity I need in stressful or tense  situations in my life and relationships.

I can honestly say I’ve yet to meet someone, myself included, who has said or done something
regrettable after those deep breaths – while they were in a calm, relaxed state.

In the seminars I teach, we do several communication exercises that not only encourage
the same type of “pause” and clarity that you  might have just felt, but I get deep into the  specific “How To’s” and “What to say when’s”.

Your emotional state and your choice of words say SO MUCH about you, and believe it or not, if
you feel something, even though you don’t say it, men see it and sense it inside you.

If what you’re communicating “under the  surface” in your emotions isn’t working together
with your words to draw a man in and create  ATTRACTION, then you’re going to get a lot of
resistance… and a lot less understanding, connection, and affection.

So many women make their own lives and relationships harder than they need to be by not
learning the basic foundations of how men view love, connection, attraction and relationships.

Take the first step to improving your communication with the man in your love life and start sending all the right messages… the messages he’ll hear and actually listen and respond to with open arms.

You’ll be glad you did.

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