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MISTAKES TO AVOID AFTER A BREAK-UP …

July 26, 2010

This may come as a shock to you – But did you know that a man will LEAVE a woman he “LOVES” if he’s not feeling a certain kind of attraction for her?

That’s right, a man can feel that he “cares” about you and even wants more than anything to remain your FRIEND, but if he’s not feeling a very specific kind of “emotional” attraction and connection with you, he’s not going to feel IN LOVE with you.

You know when a man says “He loves you, but he’s not IN LOVE with you”?

This is about the fact that a man has stopped feeling that emotional attraction and connection with you. Of course, he will tell you that he thinks you’re not really compatible, or that he’s not ready for anything serious, or any number of “fake” excuses.

When the TRUTH is that he’s just not FEELING what it is he needs to feel to know your relationship is right for him anymore.

Have you ever broken up with a man and spent weeks, months or even YEARS daydreaming about the day he would call to say he made a MISTAKE?

-That you’re the ONE woman for him after all, and that he wants you back in his life – forever? Have you ever been “haunted” by a man through your dreams at night, causing you to feel “in a fog” the entire next day about him? Have you cried and despaired over a break-up because you felt like you’d NEVER find a man who UNDERSTOOD and LOVED you the way that one special guy did?

Do you torture yourself with daydreams about him coming back to you and asking you for a real commitment this time? Daydreams that feel cruel in comparison to what the REALITY is? Break-ups can be gut-wrenching, painful times in our lives.

Believe me, men suffer through them just as much as women do…
If you’re like most women, you probably have a certain “PATTERN” that you go through after a break-up.

You feel things a certain way, and you do certain things to make yourself feel better or to lessen the pain or shame of feeling DUMPED.

It’s normal to want to avoid PAIN and feel better if we can. If you were a glutton for pain, you’d be having a whole different kind of problem that I couldn’t help you with :-P

The problem isn’t with wanting to avoid pain. The problem is when we do things that we THINK will lessen our pain, and these actions actually INCREASE PAIN in the long run! Here’s an example -

Let’s say that you never exercise, and your doctor tells you that you absolutely MUST get off your laurels and start moving in order to get really healthy and eliminate some problems you’re having with your body.

You’re not into it at all, but you decide to give it a try and see how it goes.

You go on a jog, or you sign up for a gym membership and take a yoga or aerobics class. The next day, you are in PAIN. You can’t believe how sore and hobbled you feel from just that small amount of exercise.

You don’t like the pain. And the idea of even MORE pain the next day by doing more exercise totally turns you off.

So you stay home or you let your gym membership expire. The pain goes away, but you know, deep down, that the LONG-TERM pain of living a sedentary life will be even more painful.

Ok, enough preaching about that. I hope you get my drift about how sometimes in order to avoid feeling something unpleasant, we do things to ourselves (or avoid things) that in the long-run make things even WORSE.

Let’s take relationships and break-ups as another (more interesting, hopefully) example.

You may have noticed this yourself – in the love lives of your girlfriends. These mistakes literally keep these women stuck in destructive, demeaning or GO-NOWHERE relationships for months or even YEARS.

These mistakes can be the reason you keep picking the wrong men over and over.

They can be the reason you keep feeling hurt and rejected all the time by a man who just won’t commit, won’t love you, but won’t let you go, either.

So if you’re feeling like you’ve been in and out of relationships and that NOTHING seems to be changing or improving in the QUALITY of your relationships, listen up.

Because here are the 3 most common mistakes you need to avoid after a break-up:

MISTAKE TO AVOID #1: STAYING IN TOUCH WITH YOUR EX.

I hear from women all the time who do this, and I almost don’t blame them, really.

Your guy tells you it’s over, or you get into a fight, or he says that he just can’t see himself in a long-term relationship with you.

For all intents and purposes, you know that he’s broken up with you and the relationship is over.

At least you feel that way for a day or two. But then something happens- He texts you. Or calls. Or emails.

At first, he’s just being “friendly” and asking if you’re “ok.” Maybe you get together with him for coffee and talk about how your friendship is too important to just throw away.

How you want each other in your life in SOME WAY – He may even tell you things like he still “loves you” or thinks you’re special, or that he “cares.”

Sure, he thinks you’re a great woman and he’d love to have you in his life in SOME WAY in order to boost his ego and lessen his OWN discomfort about the break-up.

So it goes – Pretty soon, he’s calling you all the time, and you’re calling him.

You know you should probably not stay in contact, but you almost can’t help yourself from responding to his texts or answering the phone when you know it’s him.

And you get your HOPES UP that all that contact means he’s getting closer to wanting you back. That there’s a chance you can have things back to the way they used to be. Right?

WRONG.

Staying connected with a man who doesn’t want a committed relationship with you (when you do) only PROLONGS your pain.

Each time he reminds you that he’s not ready, or hasn’t changed his mind, is just you getting your heart broken again-and again-and again.

STOP IT!

This isn’t getting you closer to moving on and actually making the space and time in your life to find a man who TRULY loves you and wants to have a real relationship with you.

It just keeps you dangerously STUCK in a place where your self-esteem and confidence actually withers each time you talk, text, sleep with or daydream about your ex-boyfriend.

And you won’t believe how long you can actually stay in that place – always hoping, but never really getting what you want.

So cut all ties – if at all possible.

MISTAKE TO AVOID #2: THINKING YOU’RE A FAILURE AT LOVE OR SOMEHOW UN-LOVABLE

How many times have you wondered if the reason you can’t find a good man to want to have a real, devoted and honest relationship with you is because they’re something wrong with YOU?

You wonder if you’re just a FAILURE at love, or if maybe you’re not attractive enough or if maybe you’re undesirable.

It’s just not true!

Break-ups are simply a part of your life’s journey. It’s a way for you to learn what you need to learn about WHO YOU ARE and WHAT YOU NEED in order to be happy.

Show me a woman who’s never broken up with a man in her life and I’ll show you a miserable pushover or a weirdo hermit.

Ok, I’m sure it’s possible – maybe the Queen of England or some woman in an arranged marriage in India never broke up with a man in her life, but that doesn’t mean that she’s had an amazing and full LOVE LIFE.

What do you think?

Feeling like you’re unlovable or a failure is a disservice to YOURSELF. It’s creating patterns of thinking that make you even less confident and even MORE needy in the future.

It’s better to feel gratitude and even relief that you were shown a way of being in a relationship that just doesn’t work for you.

You’ll know what kind of situation or man to watch out for next time. You’ll know what you need to SAY and DO when you get into a relationship with a new man so this doesn’t happen again.

You’ll learn to be a wiser, stronger woman who knows her boundaries and who knows what she will or won’t tolerate.

Now, without any painful or bad experiences in your love life, how would you ever know what REAL LOVE with a good man is?

Right. You wouldn’t.

Moving on …

MISTAKE TO AVOID #3: TRYING TO FAST-TRACK YOUR GRIEF OR STAYING STUCK TOO LONG

Ok, tell me if you’ve ever done one of these three things after a break-up:

1. Get on an online dating site literally the SAME DAY your man breaks up with you and start the process of a brand new relationship as quickly as possible

2. Tell yourself you’re never dating again, or you’re not dating until you can somehow “fix yourself” and the things you think are wrong with you

3. Decide you don’t have time for heartbreak and bad relationships anymore and you throw yourself into your work, family or friends and avoid dating altogether ???

If any of those sound familiar, it probably means that you’re doing everything you can to AVOID feeling what you’re feeling after a break- up.

You’re either trying to find a man quickly, in order to feel desired again – and therefore come off as “needy, desperate or clingy” when you date a man – Or, you’re avoiding men altogether so you’re not reminded of the man you really wanted and can no longer have. Therefore, you give off a vibe that says “stay away” or “I’m not interested.”

This ping-ponging between extremes actually PREVENTS you from meeting a man that can actually be the one guy who CAN be good for you and turn it all around for you.

But hey, you may not care about that.

You may feel like it’s OK if you don’t date or find Mr. Right for a long, long time.

It’s your choice. And you should be OK with that.

But if you’re NOT OK with being alone and single and feeling STUCK, then do yourself a favor and learn how to use the pain of your break-up to create a BETTER situation for yourself.

And here’s how -

So let’s say that you’ve broken up with a man recently, or you’re still kind of getting over a guy from your past.

You know that you should be “getting out there” and dating, or you should at least have a better time with it.

Maybe you’re having trouble getting into it because you’re afraid of getting hurt again.

You’re afraid of getting REJECTED again by someone you’re interested in, or you’re afraid you won’t be interested in a man who thinks you’re a fantastic woman.

“I like that guy, but he doesn’t want me.”

“That guy keeps calling and asking me out, but he gives me the creeps.”

This isn’t just the wrong man at the wrong time, it’s a constant struggle with your self- worth, believe it or not!

And if you find yourself thinking any of those things up there, you need to do something right now.

You need to take the PRESSURE OFF and start looking at dating as “fun” and “a learning process.” Seriously.

Maybe you don’t think that you can start over at “your age” (that’s total B.S. by the way), or that you hate being single again at this point in your life.

But you ARE single, and the sooner you embrace that truth, the better off you’ll be, and the sooner you can start getting back to a place where you can actually meet a guy who will become the love of your life.

You can start by saying “hello” to one new man every day – at the store, at work, at coffee shops.

But hey, I can understand that constantly having to “start over” from scratch to find a great guy when you already thought you had one can not only be frustrating, it can be downright demoralizing.

If you’re like lots of women I’ve helped, then maybe you find that meeting a man isn’t the problem, so much as when he STOPS CALLING or asking you out, or gets distant and withdraws for no logical reason.

 Maybe you don’t know the specific things to ASK A MAN early on to figure out if he’s being honest, if he’s mature, if he’s even “into” having a real relationship (and not just a fling).

What I’ve learned over the last several years about the early stages of dating is that most women would be much more successful in dating and relationships if they knew not only how to MEET a great man, but how to ATTRACT him in the RIGHT way to keep his interest in the long-term.

It’s not enough just to be a beautiful, smart and capable woman.

The reason a man falls for a woman, and I mean really and truly falls for her, has little to do with the way she LOOKS, or how smart of successful she is.

Although these are nice “openers” to pull a guy in at first.

Men fall for women and start pursuing them and want a COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP filled with love and affection and growth because of a few very special and specific qualities a man either sees and admires in a woman and wants her…

Or he doesn’t see these, and he’ll never want more than just something fun FOR NOW.

Fortunately, if you’re not sure you know what I’m talking about, and what these few special and rare qualities are that say “Girlfriend” or “Wife” about you to a man, that’s ok.

But if you know to find out what this rare qualities are, Read My Book.

Best of Luck …

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