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Sex does NOT Equal a Relationship for a Man …

April 20, 2010

Have you recently become single and  are wondering how you’re going to get yourself  back “out there” in the dating pool and meet a good man?

Maybe you’ve just ended a long-term relationship and are not into doing the same kinds of things to meet people you USED to do in the past like bar hop, or go hit the town with your single girlfriends (who aren’t single anymore)? If you’re wondering where in the world you are going to find a great guy…

What is a man thinking when it seems like he’s  “into you” at first, but soon after you get  intimate with him, he “cools off” and starts acting distant? How can you tell if it’s too early to sleep with a man? And what can you do if you’ve ALREADY  been physical and now he’s stopped calling for no apparent reason whatsoever?

I received an email from a reader who went  through this exact situation. I think you’ll “feel her pain” and see why I wanted to respond to her.

This sort of dreadful situation happens with lots of women, and it leaves them feeling helpless  and bad about themselves and sometimes about men in general. So, would you like to know what’s going on with a man in this situation and how to handle it? Keep reading…

>>>> Question From A Reader

Hi Amy,

I’ve just bought your book….I’m from Thailand and I appreciated your book so much. Unfortunately, I read the lesson about Thinking in Time Frames  where you taught how to let a man wait for sex…  but I’ve already made that mistake and had sex with him. I want a more serious relationship and I told him afterwards, but as you told me he would,  he became impatient when we talked and it made me so frustrated and upset.

Now he’s acting distant. So, what should I do to rewire our relationship and make him see my worth? I feel so disappointed about my actions, please help me.

Best regards,

J from Thailand

>>> Response

I want to give you a big hug… and then a hard dose of REALITY. Ok, listen closely. Here’s something you NEVER EVER want to forget.

It’s the real truth about how most men think when it comes to sex and “dating” in casual and UNCOMMITTED relationships… Ready? Just because a man has sex with a woman, it doesn’t mean that he’s spent even a second of his time deciding whether or not he wants to be with her or have a relationship in the future. In other words… a man’s not going to ever  “see your worth” just because you’ve slept with him.

And more to the point, it is NOT the Physical  Attraction a man feels for a woman, and getting  close to her physically, that makes a man really “feel it” for you and want more. Sex does NOT equal a relationship for a man. In fact, since you don’t seem to be getting what’s going on with men at all… I’m going to tell you that you need to think of sex and relationships as two completely different things which have nothing to do with one another.

What makes a man “see your worth” and end up  FEELING so strongly for you that he wants a real relationship is something other than sex and  PHYSICAL desire and ATTRACTION.

Here’s the thing…  I don’t know if you see this, but you’ve moved  on to wanting “something serious” right after you and he had sex- thinking that sex of course means there SHOULD be a relationship and he should feel the same way about you.

Not true… The decision to have sex with a woman often has NOTHING to do with whether a man has decided that he wants to “date” you more seriously.

And sure… it would be nice if men were  different and didn’t take sex so lightly. And it would be great if a man let you know how he felt and what he really wanted before he slept  with you…

But that’s not the reality of how men think. Here’s another thing you need to understand- I’m willing to bet that you’re not entirely  innocent here, either. You contributed to the situation, too.

Let me ask you…

Were you up-front and honest about what you  were looking for BEFORE you slept with him? Did you say to him – “If we sleep together, I’m going to want a relationship.”

Or… “I only sleep with a man if he already values me and sees me for the amazing woman that I am.”

My guess is no, you didn’t say anything like that. You probably did what lots of women do in the “casual dating” situation when it comes to sex-You gave him NO impression about whether you were in it for the fun and connection of it all with him, or for something more “serious.”

You thought the act of sex alone would speak for itself…  Wrong.

Here a few of the mistakes women make that get  them into tough situations like yours:

-Not saying anything about what it means for you to share yourself with him because you keep telling yourself that he feels the same way you do… and you assume he wants a relationship because he wants to sleep with you

-Not saying anything about your feelings or  about wanting a relationship because you thought  it might “weird him out” or make it awkward.

-Not knowing exactly know how you feel and what sleeping with him will mean to you until AFTER you sleep with him and a whole rush of feelings hits you like a tidal wave

If you’ve ever felt hurt because you became physical with a man and he ended up not having an interest in “dating” or starting a relationship, then odds are you can look back and see that you  did one or more of the things above.

Of course, it doesn’t seem like it’s you who is making a mistake in these situations.

It feels like THE MAN you’re with is the one who obviously doesn’t get it, and is a player for not being ready for a relationship.

Unfortunately, this is the exact kind of  thinking that makes it so frustrating and difficult for some women to figure out how to move from just “dating” a guy to becoming  physical and starting an exclusive, committed relationship.

If you’re like lots of women, you been “caught up” in that moment and ended up sleeping with a man you weren’t in a relationship with,  thinking that you’re ok with it… and that it will be a good thing.

But then your true feelings snuck up on you and you started to freak out and feel awful when you saw that the man you shared yourself with wasn’t on the same page (wanting a relationship).

You created EXPECTATIONS from the situation  that he had no part in deciding about or even discussing, and now he’s freaked because you’re confronting him with what YOU feel and what he
SHOULD want, when he hasn’t even figured that out for himself yet.

Which leaves him wondering how he’s going to backpeddle out of this one…


I’ve got an important question for you… Who made this guy the final judge of your “worth” as a woman? The answer: You did.

So cut it out. He’s obviously not the one who holds the true measure of your worth… and he  can neither give you your worth, nor can he take it away.

But I’ll let you in on a little secret. I bet I know WHY you slept with him even though in reality you weren’t really comfortable with doing so…

You did it because you were seeking his  LOVE and APPROVAL… but doing it in the worst  kind of way.

You’re waiting and wanting HIM to be the  strong, masculine man who will lead YOU into open and unrestrained love. That way you can SURRENDER to the deep kind of  love that you truly desire from a man. Unfortunately, that’s not what’s happening or  how he FEELS with you right now.

But deep down, you believe that if you can come up with enough “proof” that he should love and  value you, and if you can make things “perfect”  between you two, then he’ll become the open and  loving man you imagine him to be. That’s not how love, or relationships work.

It’s time for the little girl who’s seeking a man’s approval in order to experience love  to grow up. It’s time for you to stop hoping that a man will become the man you want him to be, when he is CLEARLY showing you that he doesn’t even have a clue about what love is or how be with a woman.

You’ve gotta stop banking on what you think this relationship COULD BE, and what I call his “future potential” and start opening your eyes to WHAT IS.

You’re so wrapped up in his perspective,  what he’s doing, his feelings, his emotions and  his desires (or lack thereof) that you’ve all but  forgotten about something WAY MORE IMPORTANT.

What YOU really want. I’ll take a wild guess here and bet that the kind of guy that you truly want isn’t a guy who is
going to freak out or act distant just because  you’re telling him how you’re feeling after you’ve  already slept together.

Of course not.  So why are you wasting your energy trying to plead with him and CONVINCE him just so you can get the love and approval of someone who acts like  a person you don’t even want to be with?!

That’s right, you DON’T want to be doing this, but you don’t feel like you can help yourself  right now. There’s a better way…

Let’s move on to figuring out what to do NOW… LOVE, SEX AND THE MIND OF THE “MASCULINE MAN”

I’m going to give you a short lesson on the quasi-biological reasons men act the way they do  when it comes to sex. Pay careful attention here.

Each person has a certain balance of masculine and feminine “energy.” Obviously, men have more masculine and women  have more feminine, but every person can have a little of both.

The feminine energy grows with connection and  love, and with “surrender” to all kinds of joyful experiences. This is often why women feel a sense of connection and surrendering with sex, and often have deeper feelings for a man afterwards.

But the masculine energy doesn’t work this  way. At least the “darker” part of a man.

The masculine energy seeks CHALLENGE and a feeling of “emptiness” and “freedom.”

Have you ever heard a man talk about how he wanted his “freedom”… and you wondered what in the world he was talking about? This “freedom” or emptiness is actually the masculine means of surrender and fulfilment.

Just as the feminine means is connection and  loving. Ever noticed that lots of men fall right to sleep or act like they’re off somewhere else  after sex?

It’s because the tension of reaching their  “challenge” (sex) is released, and now they feel a sense of emptiness and freedom from that  tension.

With sex, a man doesn’t automatically  “surrender” to love and connection the way a  woman does… unless he LEARNS to.  And here’s another way of looking at it…

Have you noticed that most men don’t have the  same strong drive to be deeply and unwaveringly  CONNECTED to the people around them like most women do?

They don’t call their friends and talk on the phone on a regular basis and they don’t worry about how “close” their relationships to their friends and family are at any given moment.

Oftentimes, they’re driven by something  that has nothing to do with love, intimacy and connection. I know, Men seem CRAZY and messed up and  different. But men don’t have to be bizarre and strange  this way.

Men can become more emotionally-conscious and aware of what’s going on around them in love and  relationships.  And if they have a woman who “gets it”,  something amazing can happen – If a man has those intense strong feelings that make him feel physically and EMOTIONALLY CONNECTED to a woman… then she can lead and challenge him in ways that will make him grow into a great lover and partner.

For instance, a woman can help a man understand how to finally find the “freedom” he looks for  in a new way- through LOVE and connected experience.


Here’s the thing… Yes, you might have “goofed” by being physical  with him too early.

You know, before you were clear about what YOU  wanted, so that you wouldn’t get hurt if you found out he didn’t want the same thing.

But stop being so hard on yourself. It’s the  past, and it’s not the problem now. The real problem now is something entirely  different. Sleeping or being physical with a man is NOT  a bad thing.

But FIRST you’ve got to CREATE the right  FEELINGS inside him- feelings that have nothing to do with SEX- for sex to end up truly bringing you  closer in love.

A man won’t “fall” for you just because you’ve  slept together. Although, it’s likely that YOU will  feel more bonded to him after sleeping with him. It’s part of the biological make-up of a woman  and a man. It’s the way things are “wired.” So you want to know how to “re-wire” things?

First of all, stop hoping the fact that you’ve  had sex to magically win him over into being an  open and loving partner like you are.

When a man feels ATTRACTION for you in this way, then he will become EMOTIONALLY CONNECTED to you on a deeper level than he ever could simply through his physical desire for you. You know a man has intense physical desires. That’s easy…  But have you taken the time to learn how the deeper, more “relationship-oriented” feelings and
emotions are created inside him? The feelings that make a man want to be with one woman in a committed relationship are different than what makes A WOMAN open to  exploring a relationship.

Ever thought about what a man really wants in a woman? I’m talking about mature, healthy men here.  Not “man-boys” or “players”, who have a totally different agenda altogether.

**Men want someone that they feel deeply  ATTRACTED to.** They want to have that feeling of WANTING a woman.

They want to worship her, to please her, to ravish her, and to sweep her off her feet with  their physical and emotional presence.  And for the woman to be utterly and completely  taken with them and what they do.

So, what happens when men act like they’re not  interested in anything serious or don’t want a  relationship or their too busy to have one… or any other of a list of lame excuses they give you?

This happens because most women don’t create the experience that will make a man FEEL this way.

Plain and simple…   A man is looking for that “WOW!” experience  with a woman.

And when he doesn’t feel it, there’s nothing a woman who doesn’t make him FEEL this way can do  or say to make him want something more with her. He just loses interest and moves on.

The other thing to know is that men have  something that I call the “Pursuit Gene.” There’s a drive in men that makes them want to  be CHALLENGED… and to overcome that challenge. Men want to be challenged by the idea of  meeting, attracting, and pursuing a woman.

And then they want to win the woman over and  feel stronger as a man for having done it. Men will meet this challenge in one of two ways :

1. They’ll find fulfillment from the feeling of  “freedom” and emptiness by physically being with  a woman in the short-term (sex)

2. They find connection and love by physically AND emotionally being with the woman in a deeper and “longer-term” way (relationship)

Here’s the AMAZING part… A woman helps him choose which it will be with her.

Interesting… The point is, men LOVE the chase.  It’s part of their genetic make-up. But if a woman loses control emotionally, seeks HIS APPROVAL or thinks she can trade sex  to receive love before a man is experiencing an intense desire to WIN HER OVER and to be with her, then something bad happens.

The man loses that feeling of excitement and challenge with her.  He recognizes that the woman has already given over physical and emotional CONTROL to him. Which destroys the strongest “lead-in” to creating lasting love with a man.

What is that “lead-in”?

ATTRACTION.  Men want to feel ATTRACTION. They don’t want a woman to try to convince them that what they’re experiencing and feeling should be meaningful and loving.

No. That’s not how men work. Instead, they want to FEEL their desire for a  woman inside their whole body, emotionally driving them, and for it to be undeniable and unrelenting.  So if you don’t allow a man to FEEL that desire, to feel like he can’t stop thinking about you and wanting you BEFORE you sleep with  him, it’ll won’t create a situation where he’s going to want anything more than a fleeting sexual experience.

For more, read my Book …


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